Creative ways of thinking about contact

Who can be present?  

• Which family members and other important people are important to see?  
•  Is it best for everyone to meet as a group, or are some individual meet ups best?  

How long for?   

• Should there be a clear agenda and timeframe, or should things be kept flexible depending on venue activities and energy levels?  

 How often?   

• Should the meet up be a fixed time (e.g. every six months/year)?   
• Can the timing be flexible?   
• Should the meet ups be in term time or in school holidays?  

Where?   

• Does the meet up need to be in a controlled specialised venue or in a community-based activity venue?   
• Can it be in the private homes of the key people involved or the home of a supportive friend/ family member?   
• Is it necessary for the venue to not be disclosed in advance and the birth relative taken there on the day?  

 What support is needed for the adults?   

• Are the adoptive parents and birth relatives comfortable with sharing a phone number or email address so adults can contact each other directly to arrange meet ups and if emergencies arise?   
• Does a professional or supportive friend/family member need to help organise/communicate around the meet ups?  
• Does a professional or supportive friend/family member need to facilitate or offer support during the meet ups?   
• Is support likely to be needed for the duration of the child’s minority or will support only be needed initially?   

 What support is needed for the child?  

• How can children be supported to have positive and enjoyable meet ups from the beginning?   
• Do the adults sometimes need to meet or talk without the child present?  
• Does the child need to be engaged in an activity to reduce pressure to interact/gradually gain trust? 

• Debbie’s son Jamie meets his brother Casper (who remained living with birth mum) a few times a year. Jamie’s maternal aunt, who helped cared for both boys when young, communicates with Debbie to organise the meet ups and brings Casper and supports him during the meetings.  They meet at a community-based venue where there are plenty of activities for the boys to engage in. They stay as long as is needed for the boys to enjoy the activities and their time together.
    
• A large group of siblings, all under 10 years of age, have been adopted into 5 different families. The adults initially spent time getting to know each other through phone calls and video calls. They keep in touch with each other through a WhatsApp group sharing news, messages and photos (some parents have turned notifications off so they can actively choose when to view). They organise regular meet ups 2-3 times a year at or close to each other’s houses, taking turns to host and being mindful of everyone’s needs. The timing of the day is kept flexible, with different activities planned. 
     
• Robert sees his grandfather twice a year. They meet in a public place like the park/cafe for about two hours. He goes with his adoptive parents, but no professional is present. The professional is the ‘go-between’ and sets up the meeting because the grandfather does not know the adopters’ name and address. 
  
  
• Joanna sees her sister Jade (14) (who is adopted in a different family) every school holiday. Sometimes she goes to Jade’s adoptive parents’ home and sometimes Jade comes to her home. The two families arrange the meet ups themselves. They usually meet for the day and in the future Joanna would like Jade to come and stay overnight. Joanna and Jade also play online video games and message each other between visits.
     
• Claire and Calvin (who are adopted in the same family) see their birth parents twice a year. They meet them at a room in a family centre. The meeting is structured and facilitated by a contact support worker and the adoptive parents accompany the two children. The meeting lasts 1.5 hours.  

Who with?   

• Family members and other important people?   
• One letter copied and sent to all, or individual letters?  

What type?   

• A short postcard, or newsy letter?   
• Birthday cards?  

What photos, gifts, or other objects could be sent?   

• Ribbon length cut to show child’s height?  
• Hand/footprints?  
• The child’s artwork?  
• Photos of the child?  
• Photos of the child’s bedroom and favourite toys/Lego models?   
• Scans of the child’s schoolwork or reports?  

 How often?   

• A fixed time every year?   
• Key events such as birthdays/Christmas/Eid?   
• Flexible, 2-3 times a year?  

What support is needed for the adults?   

• Are the adoptive parents comfortable with sharing identifiable information so the items can be sent to each other’s address directly?   
• Does confidentiality need to be maintained so the items are sent to the address of a supportive adult or professional address?   
• Does a professional or supportive adult need to facilitate, send reminders about, check contents of or support the exchanges?   
• Can the adults (birth family members and adoptive parents) take control of this themselves?  
•  Is support likely to be needed for the duration of the child’s minority or will support be only needed initially?   

 How is the child involved?   

• What is the best way for adults to involve children from the beginning?   
• Can the child be shown/read the letters from an early age?   
• Should there be a separate short message or card for/from the child at the start, and a more detailed letter for/from the adoptive parents/sibling carers to help adults get to know each other?   
• Can the child be involved in sending drawings, choosing photos, writing messages of their own from early in the adoption?

This resource has been developed to help birth families stay in touch with their children who have been adopted using a Letterbox exchange system.

• Meaningful staying in touch without technology with adopted children. Adoption England.

Twice a year Theo’s adoptive mother writes a letter to his birth mum to update her on how Theo is doing. Theo sometimes writes a few words, and he helps his mum choose a photo to include. Occasionally he wants to ask his birth mum a question in the letter (e.g. ‘what is your favourite football team?’). The letter is sent to the adoption agency who pass it on to his birth mum. His birth mum is encouraged to send a reply, which Theo’s adoptive parents share with him.

Who with?   

• Family members and other important people?  

 What type?   

• Email exchanges?   
• A specialist digital exchange platform?  Examples include:
  https://www.adoptionengland.co.uk/news/evaluation-letter-swap-project;
  https://www.arcadoptionne.org.uk/News/arcbox-a-digital-life-story-tool-for-children-and-families;
  https://www.arcadoptionne.org.uk/News/digitising-letterbox-contact-for-safe-and-secure-communication  
• A text message service such as WhatsApp or Signal, or texts using a separate ‘keeping in touch’ phone?   
• Video recordings, phone calls or video calls?   
• Do video calls need to include fun activities such as playing games, singing songs, reading stories, or doing crafts to help children stay interested and engaged?

What photos and other items could be sent?   

• Photos/scans of child’s artwork, schoolwork or reports? Scans of a birth relative’s artwork?   
• Recordings of birth relative or child reading or singing?  

 How often?   

• A fixed time every year/month?   
• Flexible 2-3 times a year?   
• Whenever the individuals want to share news or important updates?

What support is needed for the adults?   

• Can all adults message/email each other directly and take control of the communication themselves?   
• Does a professional or supportive adult need to facilitate, send reminders about, check contents of or support the exchanges?  
•  Is any support likely to be needed for the duration of the child’s minority or will support only be needed initially?    

How is the child involved?   

• What is the best way for adults to involve children from the beginning?   
• Can children be shown the messages/information or be involved in video calls from an early age?   
• Should there be a separate short message or video call for children at the start, and longer messages or calls for the adoptive parents/sibling carers to help adults get to know each other?   
• Can children be involved in showing drawings and toys, choosing photos or recording audio/video messages of their own from early in the adoption?

• Harry’s adoptive parents keep in touch with his aunt who helped look after him as a newborn. They met the aunt at the time they adopted Harry. They send her an email every few weeks and they attach photos. The aunt emails back and has sent pictures of Harry’s grandparents and his birth mum when she was a little girl. The adoptive parents do not yet feel ready to share their address or phone number with the aunt, and they do not want in person meetings. They are open to changing the plans in the future, when Harry is old enough to understand more.
  
  
• Denise, the adoptive parent of Charity, uses a digital platform to connect with Charity’s birth mum. Charity writes when she wants to share information (such as when she lost her first tooth), ask questions or send artwork or news of her achievements to her birth mum.  Her birth mum often responds immediately and Denise can show Charity her response on her phone.

• Adults having a pre-call together to update each other with anything they need to know and to share information on the child (what they have been doing, what are their favourite toys or television programmes etc.) to facilitate conversation with the child.  
• Having favourite toys, artwork, models, photographs or other objects to show and talk about rather than abstract conversation about the past and future which can be difficult for a very young child.   
• An adult reading a book, or listening to the child read, or dancing or singing with the child.   
• Putting on a puppet show for the other person to see.  
• Playing around with effects, filters and backgrounds.  
• Playing online games with their siblings or cousins or birth parents (e.g. ‘skribbl - Free Multiplayer Drawing & Guessing Game’, charades or standard video games).  
• Being realistic about young children’s ability to sustain attention for long periods in video calls. Adults sharing information or photos instead if the child is not wanting to engage or showing pre-recorded videos of the child at play. It may be helpful for children to have shorter, more frequent video calls than a long call.   

Adoption England has some useful downloadable PDF resources to support online and letter contact.

Keeping connected with video chats 

Online video chats can help keep children and family members connected when there is distance between them, helping them to build relationships, communicate with, and learn about family members. This resource contains helpful tips for adoptive parents and advice on how they can support their children during video chats. Keeping Connected With Video Chats.

Keeping connected by playing online games 

This guide features simple tips and advice to help children connect with friends, siblings and other birth family members through gaming. Keeping Connected by Playing Online Games.

Ten simple child and family friendly online games 

This resource presents and describes some popular online games which may support online interaction in safe way. 10 Simple Child and Family Friendly Online Games.

Stacey, now 12 years old, was adopted by Andrea and Clarke when she was five. Stacy is dual heritage; her adoptive mum is white and she was keen to know more about her birth dad (Jacob) and his culture. She has fond memories of her birth dad and was disappointed that he never sent any letters. Andrea contacted her local staying in touch team, asking if they could locate Jacob and re-engage him in some form of staying in touch. They were able to locate Jacob; he was really pleased to hear from them and grateful for the opportunity to reconnect with his daughter. Over a period of 18 months, the agency helped him to write his first letter, which Stacey was extremely happy to receive.   

A couple of video calls were then planned between the social worker, Andrea and Jacob, to give both families the opportunity to build a relationship and rapport and help develop trust between them. Andrea then felt confident to set up a confidential email address that she just used to exchange emails with Jacob. The emails were sent bi-monthly, which enabled Stacey to ask questions. She shared lots of artwork and she didn't have to wait until the time of the yearly exchange.  

After a while they all developed things further to include Stacey in video calls. First the social worker carried out preparation work with Stacey, and separately with Jacob. When they had the video calls, they were felt by all to be very positive. After the first video call with Stacey included, Andrea felt confident to be able to facilitate video calls without the support from the social worker.  

Shortly after the video calls were set up the social worker supported the first face-to-face meet up between the two families. These meet ups will continue yearly, along with video calls every 3 months. The staying in touch team now have no involvement with the family, who know they get in touch if they want to revisit the arrangements or need any support.